Army of the Underworld

For the past several years - too many to think about now - we've held out hope that the Mine Train would receive a Halloween Haunt make-over worthy of the fans who wait in line to ride and worthy of the monsters who have to work it. With this year's version of Army of the Underworld, we officially give up hope.

As far as we're concerned, the powers-that-be might as well give up on the Mine Train and focus the cash elsewhere in the Scary Farm. The Army of the Underworld has become a joke - a king-sized nothing, when it should be one of the star attractions at the Haunt.

The talent working this attraction has it just as hard as the folks working the Log Ride across the way - but at least the folks in the Log Ride try to work it each night. Now, we're not saying that there aren't some dedicated folks working the Mine Train - but we certainly missed them if they existed.

This is the same team that during the preview nights for other monsters, actually had someone jump at the passing train and say, "Boo!" I rest my case. Now granted, the talent in the ride has very little room to work with and a long train to try and frighten. It seems that Knott's took the very newest of the rookies and put them in this ride with little more direction than, "Don't get squashed by the train. Shake your can at people and try to be spooky." And that is exactly the performance we get these days whenever we ride Army of the Underworld.

If one word had to describe the ride/experience, it would be - "quiet." The Mine Train is a beautiful platform for elaborate special effects, big monsters and a fired-up crew. We get none of that. The biggest thrill in the ride is the dragon room - but if you've been to Haunt in the past several years, it certainly is no surprise anymore.

The trains move along at a tedious, sluggish pace through scene after scene of quiet, boring visuals. The whole thing is sleepy. The biggest screams of the ride come from the string that hangs down from the ceiling of the lift hill running across peoples' faces in the dark. That is not anything to be proud of, folks.

The absolute worst to us is the cavern room at the top of the lift - here you have a stunning area to do something very special, and year after year, it gets more lame and sloppy. This year, there were a handful of dummies lining the track and maybe two or three (being generous here) live monsters mixed in. As the train would pass, they'd take a step forward, shake their can, give up a muffled "rawr!" and then hold their masks with one hand so they wouldn't fall off or something.

That sucks.

Another glaring mess is the Glory Hole. Here is a massive chamber to do something really neat with - and it's been a long time since anything remotely cool was in it. Lately, we've been stuck with this poorly-lit "ghost mobile" with black-lit spirits spinning around in the center.

Not impressive.

Okay, so now that we've established how painfully dull this once-glorious Haunt attraction is, how would we fix it? It takes a little more cash and some good, old-fashioned creativity.

First, get a new soundtrack - something dark, yet full; the score for Needful Things comes to mind - that would be decent. Now, crank that puppy in all zones of the ride so that you have booming music as opposed to the creaking of the train cars and the fart noises the bored teens two cars away are making to impress their girlfriends.

Next, add at least 20 more active talent folks to line the track and hop out with shaker cans from every nook and cranny they can fit into. Where it's too dangerous for talent to lurk, get some mechanical props in there - like the old days. Creatures popping out of the darkness work wonders. Use lots of strobe lights in the narrow tunnels - that would be disorienting and would make even the lamest prop or talent appear more ominous.

Ditch the spider stuff going up the lift - there's already a spider-themed maze, so leave the webbing in Fiesta Village for now. Do something creative with that lift - or perhaps, do the opposite. Turn out all the lights, so that it is pitch-black going up that hill. Add some loud, jarring sounds into the soundtrack and suddenly, you have a train filled with unnerved, unsettled guests wondering what the hell's going on just beyond the train.

In the cavern room, put a bitchen set into play. Yes, the attraction is old and the existing structures are probably in fairly poor condition - but be careful and do something new. Use black light to its fullest, since the caverns have already been treated with black light paint. Imagine how much more powerful something like the Impaler from The Swamp would be in that particular chamber - it doesn't have to lunge at the train - but it can and should be awesome to behold. Make the scene bigger than life - loud and proud. No need for us to sit here and get too into it - you all get the point.

With the Glory Hole, cash is king. Spend some dough and come up with a fancy effect that will wow Haunt fans. You don't have to have a 30 foot-tall mechanical monster breathing smoke bellowing in the chamber (although that would be a welcome change) - but there has to be something out there that is unique, surprising and very practical for this space. Project something. Use lasers. Do something trippy with black light strobes. Anything at this point would be a welcome change!

The last part of the ride is always a let-down, too. The train seems to careen out of control through the final tunnel before returning to the unload platform. Add strobes, some mechanical beasties and an unsettling soundtrack for good measure - and you'll be way ahead of what's there now.

It's sad. We can remember a time when we'd wait for what seemed like hours in the queue for the Mine Train each Haunt, the line winding back into the Roaring '20s area, cut off from the rest of the Scary Farm by miles of endless snow fencing. It was a thrill to wait for the Mine Train because we knew when that ride lurched forward into the first shaft, we were in for it!

Now, Army of the Underworld finds itself at the bottom of our to-do list at Haunt because of the lack of interest and creative flair that other Haunt attractions have. And that in itself sucks.

If Knott's for whatever reason, doesn't want to lavish attention and detail on this ride anymore, then let it fall away like Kingdom of the Dinosaurs. Otherwise, if you're going to tout it as a Haunt attraction and your paying guests are waiting forever in line to ride the thing, for God's sake - make some effort, guys. The ride deserves better. The talent doomed to work it deserve better. And the fans deserve better.

Do better.